David Escudero:
"That? That's gratuitous nudity, dear."
"Now we need to find a way to mar the other side of its body."
"Your computer or mine?"
[Improvised horror story, around 3 a.m.] "...you knew it would be sniffing...if it had a tongue!" "You have to be 14 or older to be a girl."
[Eating Skittles] "I don't taste any rainbow. I taste fully construed fruit flavor, but no rainbow."
"Joe, I have never met a sexy computer."
"Hey, Alexis, I'm out of originality, would you give me some of yours?"
"My. It's funny where a dart can go."
"Don't spit on my pheromone receptor-thingies."
Anonymous:
"There's no longer a North Quad. There's a North Eighth."
"I told my roommate, 'I'm going to the library and I'm not coming back until I get through all my work and all my anxiety about life.' I paused. 'I may be a while.' "
[To Joe, regarding Joe's cloak] "So it's like a jacket, but gay?"
[on Oberlin's motto: "Think one person can change the world? So do we."] "It's why Oberlin has such a small endowment. We don't make that much money, changing the world."
[Two haiku under an announcement on the Severance psych comp. lab board concerning a missing TI-85:]
Lost calculator Oh so many tears [Further Severance haiku: (4/28)]
These computers suck Jesus not luv me [Back to arbitrary anonymous quotes]
"Bagels! Bagels! Aaaargh!"
"It seems like every time she starts roleplaying with food, it turns into some kind of demonic thing."
"Libera me domine de morte aeterna in die ila tremenda." -- written on the psych lab board a few days before reading week
(At the Grassroots folk festival) "Speak hippie, all right!?"
(on the Mudd Q&A board)
"So I'm back for my 5th year at Oberlin and finally, yes finally, Falling
Man makes sense to me. It sums up my time here so well! No wonder you
keep it around."
"In the past two days I have seen a musical about people dying of aids (falsettos, it was super good) and a movie about people dying of
cancer and litigation (Erin brokovitch), so I am in need of a film about hot women who tend bar."
(A PAN person) "Something else the ether eats, is marshmallows."
"Even though he's pretty gay--" "You've been to West Virginia; you've been to California."
(in the Feve bar) "I have an undergrad degree from Princeton and a Masters from Columbia.
What wouldn't I understand? Are you all sitting around and jerking off together?"
Has someone found you yet?
You'll find your way home.
for the lost calculator
A heart is empty
They crash on me all the time
Won't they go away?
Because I am a heathen
Can hell be that bad?
Ben: "He might be Romanian."
Small Children: (courtesy of Sarah) Leyla: "Tomorrow I will make gooder choices. I will put my good choice battery in my throat."
Marielena (age 3): "Sarah, you can marry me just a little bit. if you marry me too much, i will turn into a big toad."
William (age 5, thinking another child is using the legos inappropriately): "Max, I find your behavior absurd and appalling!"
Gale (age 4): "My last name is ru-BEEN, not reuben. I am not a sandwich!"
Grace (age 5, showing off her new fuzzy slippers with rainbows on the side): "And who would like to stroke Mr. Rainbow? It would make him happy."
Andres (age 3): "There's a baby sheep in my pants!"
William (age 5, looking down in surprise as he's pulling down his pants to go to the bathroom): "Oopsy-daisy! I forgot my underwear today!"
Max (age 5): "Leyla is in Albuquerque. Do they have turkeys there? They have some turkeys in Madison, but not so many."
Zoe (whispering to herself, which is why this is so funny): "Uh-oh. I pooped in my underwear. Maybe I should tell Sarah about that."
Maya (age 3): "I kissed you! Kisses make you good."
(after naptime, when kids are still on their cots:)
Andres (hopping like a bunny by Zoe's cot): "Boing! Boing!"
Zoe (with a high-pitched squeal): "Andres is boinking me on my cot."
(From Freshman H&D apps)
"I hope that there will not be drinking or inappropriate sexual behavior in my hall."
"I fear co-ed showers."
[On roomie preferences] ". . . not in ISO."
[Likes/Dislikes]"Depressed people, bugs, drugs."
[Parent's section, home life] "[Name] has two parents."
[Parent's section, other comments] "[Name] has been known to choose an adult figure ie: Dorm head, advisor, and set out to destroy them."
Christina:
"The body of Christ was never *green*."
Angie:
"Right around the end of Tuesday, I *died*."
Erin:
"Oh, *goodness* yes! I run into *everything*!"
Me, to Erin:
"Hey...maybe you could tell me what my pocketwatch says!" (looking at a candle)"There's a little, like, cave there!" "I don't mind being covered with syrup all day long."
Me:
"Oh, shit! The sun's coming up again!"
"Strange, I'm high on life. ...No, wait...I'm just high."
"Well, every time I see my Coke it's unique. Infinite Coke. Infinitely unique."
"Jesus told me to go away."
"My underwear is not neutral ground."
"It strikes me as odd that most things can be made into a tesseract." "We are spooooookier than you! Our spooky has *six o's!*"
"I don't claim to be any less weird than marshmallow sauce."
[realizing, apologetically, Lev's proximity to a cigarette] [to Joe] "There's only so much one can hold against the world on account of dinner." "I feel about ready to throw myself at *someone's* [feet]. It might as well be Sarah Kotok's." "I mean, heaven's not like *Canada.*"
[on an essay question on a final exam.] "I have to think about death."
"*Spookies* don't go 'beep.' "
"Shit! I swore in front of the goddamn church!" (pause of realization) "Fuck."
"I *know* what dead people look like. They look *dead.*"
(pointing to Severance) "I used to inhabit that building regularly. I used to think I was going to be a Psych major." (on dopamine/trephination) "Classes? Fuck classes! I can poke myself in the brain!"
"We noted she had a lot of multicolored dice, so we thought she'd be up for it."
"There's cough syrup in it--that's like heroin."
"Have you ever wondered, Aaron, how a centipede screams in pain?"
"They'll interfere with my gaiety." (re: an impending birthday 'rent visit)
"Men are passe, dammit. I don't even smoke anymore. It's too heterosexual."
"Like a treefrog! I want sticky toepads."
"If you don't shut up, I'm going to pull this sidewalk over and let you out!" "They say kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray, but they're wrong. Licking an ashtray is *much* worse."
(on Cabin Fever) "This isn't a horror movie, man, it's a really bad porno! So bad there's no sex!"
"The Japanese have problems that no one else seems to have." (about fucked-up computer games)
(to Molly, re: addiction) "You seem like the kind of person who could quit *air*, and die relatively peacefully."
(re: my hometown) "It didn't *seem* like nothing. I lived there. ...And there were sheep!"
"*I* think I'm going to eat with my mouth full!"
"She hangs out with a bad crowd, in the invisible world."
"It's always legit to be topless in a kitchen."
"God damn kids and their matter-transmitters. They should remember the days of the escalator!"
"That's a funny expression. It's John!"
"It wasn't a lie, actually, it was just a sort of poorly-timed truth."
(re: the Axe Effect.) "Being surrounded by the adoring creatures of the earth is pretty cool, but they're going for my armpits!"
"Kittens make my life even happier than it already is. The extra happiness is like a drug. The happy kitten happiness drug."
"My future looks like tepid coffee."
"I wish we were all Japanese. Then everybody'd be really short and there'd be no headboards."
"I'm glad to be on a road that's not covered in fucking hippies."
"It's not like there's any fucking property values when there's zombies!"
"I love hippies. They're not zombies."
"I hate this road. You're a hippie. I love you now, but I'm still going to run you down anyway."
"Fear me, pedestrians. I am the angel of death in a small, Japanese-made car."
"We can peeeeee first. Well, I can pee. Ihavetopee."
"Watch!" (chokes on coffee)
"I'm like that stupid resin crap at the end of a bong of hippies."
"Nathan's like God. Money just falls from the sky."
(on a desktop picture of Pierre) Me: "You want to see the cat? Here's the cat." "Lemme tell you, alcoholism can be a waste of cigarettes."
"I'll just drink your blood. It's high in...stuff."
"See how we poke you, with our love?"
"You are chock full of carbon. Happy carbon."
"Molly, you have two options: angsty or Jewish. Take your pick now."
(on not leaving Madison after break) "I will eat what the birds eat. Cigarette butts."
"It's like listening to Sir Adolf, but using an actual anti-Semite."
(Seeing a pheasant dead on the road) "Nice feathers. Good eatin'. Too bad we gotta run."
"Hee hee, when you talk, your mouth moves. ...Maybe there were drugs in my homework."
Rebecca:
[re: a post-apocalyptic dream] "The world looked kind of like Ohio."
"Much like beer, this kitchen is nasty." "You can't be a real socialist unless you transfer."
"See the pumpkin, Joe? The pumpkin is telling you to smoke up."
Rek:
"I used to be really cynical, in my youthful optimism."
"Statutory rape? Every time it's happened to me, it's been quite pleasant."
(ominously) "And then, for one brief moment, we all knew exactly what was going on." (Rather arbitrarily, in PAN)
"I have the plague, I'll be dead in ten minutes. Kiss me."
Tom B.:
(on selling drugs) Kathryn:
(on leaving a gas station somewhere in VA) Jason:
"Anything that can kill you will make you high, but not everything that gets you high will kill you." "He sounds like he thinks of women like fried chicken."
Dave B.: "That's ridiculous. Fried chicken has a crispy exterior."
Molly:
"The longer I think about it, the more commonalities I find between
Joe and France."
Molly's mom: "He just stood there, like a potato." "Honey, come here, let's have sex, I need to time this egg."
"I don't care how gay they are; they don't have brains."
"I will defeat you, sheep poo! I will be the poomaster!" (Surveying Rome, Ohio, on the sacking trip) "I wonder if the original Goths were this disappointed."
"I wasn't beating you so much as...turning around."
"Poke my cream."
"Oh god, it's already 8:95." [mistaking radio for clock.]
I'd be fucked-up, too, if I had a naked mole rat in my pants."
(on Obie marriage stats) "I bet Holocaust survivors marry each other a lot, too."
"We thought she was just getting a beer, but she came back with a woman."
"Of course she's fat, she's the Venus of fucking Willendorf."
"I want to learn to use the dildo nunchucks."
"Laura, should you maybe finish your cigarette and go to bed? You seem pretty tired." "Sex is sex and food is food, and never the twain should meet."
"Hey! You're not allowed to control my drinking, just because of your weird psychic powers!"
"I mean, yeah, there's probably someone out there somewhere who wakes up in the morning and says,
hmm, I could feel good today, I could have a good life and do well, BUT I WON'T. I'll feel bad and
hate myself instead. Yeah, good idea. "
"They're on perfectly good drugs, and they're watching TV."
(on a kitten) "You could name it Joy." "That's probably Stacy. She's usually a weird cat-person, at least in my cups of coffee."
"Show me my future, O creamer."
"Hippies can't fly!" "I think I can find the glowing stump."
"I'm sorry, I don't give cigarettes to people who may or may not have lungs."
"Scrying works better with a nice creamy base."
"How can we put that like a smartness?"
Molly (to Ray): "We give our toys to Goodwill to give to people who don't have enough money ... to eat." "I...think I did too many drugs before I was...born."
"You know what's hard to write with? A corkscrew."
"That's the worst advice I've ever heard anyone give a chicken."
"That's a nice warm-up song. It's nice and folky, and it puts us in the right frame of mind,
which is sheer terror of the government."
Erin: "Probably 1:04."
Me: "It's in Russian."
"Rearranging velcro and history."
"I'm sorry, am I giving you cancer?"
Joe: "I used to inhabit King regularly."
Katie: "And then you'll have to *walk* home!"
Ray: "He's dead."
Aaron: "My, you're insensitive."
"It's more of a hobby then a profession."
Me: "How many confederate flags did *you* count?"
Kathryn: "Not counting the ones tattooed on their bodies?"
Me: "Words to live by."
Molly: "Potatos can stand?"
me: "...Socialness."
me: "That's a stupid name. I would name it Mephistopheles."
Stacy: "Sure they can!"
Laura: "They break the toys down into their component parts and make them into foods such as twinkies."
Molly: "I don't think the poor have that kind of technology."
Laura: "This is a sad fact of today's society."
Nathan:
(a haiku) "This movie doesn't work. Man, if I'd paid for this, I'd want my money back!"
"Why do Democrats have to be so moral?" "I just think Megaman looks so much cooler when he's pink." "I am the almighty cat-pumpkin. I demand that you not go to work." (Swivels cat-head 360*)
"I can see eeeeeeverything."
"It's water, Molly, it's the miracle of life."
The ball is opaque
Man, I need a fish sandwich
Molly smokes too much.
Molly: "Because if they weren't moral, they'd be Republicans."
Aaron: "Pink is the color of boomerangs."
Molly: "I don't want the miracle of life in my carpet!"
"Maybe if you're lucky, your carpet will evolve into a sentient life form."
Ray:
(mournfully) "Who will open this for me? Only I will."
"I am in a little cage. It's called a Vermont."
"You have to go into a Vermont cage. A tiny cage. That squishes people."
"Roll up your window!" (singing) "Old MacDonald had a beer. Blorp, blorp, blorp. And then Old MacDonald had another beer."
Me: "Nein!"
Molly: "That means 'no' in German, honey. And when Laura starts talking in German,
you should probably worry."
..."And then he got drunk and he got really sick and then he threw up in the toilet."
Kat:
(quoted for the record) "I'm always brain-dead." (7/04)
"These are the sunflower seeds Ray and I planted." (Displays a flowerpot full of mold)
"So I thought I'd put them in the sun and maybe it'd help."
Molly: "How can I watch the Olympics if I don't have a TV?" "Underwear! Underwear! It's just underwear! We're talking about underwear! Underwear!"
Kat: "You can tune it in on your...alien...rocket...flyer."
Elisabeth:
"Sorry you hate your life. What do you want for Christmas?"
"Aagh! It burns! It burns like lesbian kiss!"
Aaron Pendergrass:
"Two drinks and anyone's bi."
[Re: a search and rescue mission] "We're not here to fight ignorance, just prove it."
"I feel confident that I could install Linux onto a *penguin.*"
"I am suffering from a severe lack of Some."
"I'm driving slowly these days. Especially with the ice, and deer, and death, and skulls, and blood."
"Help! Laura! Feet...have--no--thumbs!"
"If I hold my hands like this, I can hear my ears pulsing. Thump...thump...thump."
"I've often thought we could be a lot like chimpanzees if we tried hard enough."
"I'm an ostrich." (Walking out of a computer lab on Beltane) "I'm too drunk to be in a CS lab."
"I called and she said it was a Status 3 find." (meaningful pause)
"Status 3 is dead. ...but on the upside, I got my physics homework done!"
"I don't want sugar in my coffee! My coffee must be black and hardcore, like death, and skulls!"
"You get the gun; I'll grab a box of encyclopedias."
"Being the Prince of Darkness, it just happens."
"Your bed is naked."
(Lev: "I think of myself as a generally accepting person.")
Aaron: "I hate lots of stuff. Everything. I hate it! You name it I
hate it."
"Jason's opaque!"
"Don't lie, Lev...It's rude, and it makes the baby Jesus cry."
"I think you're cute like a puppy, Lev!"
"The only way to fix the seatbelts is to have sex. Lots and lots of sex."
"Opus only has eyes for Erin. Large, unblinking eyes. That stare deep into her soul."
"You shouldn't hit Kira, it makes puppies cry."
"That's why I need this. It allows me to change my orientation." (re: a boffer-sword he was using from a swivel-chair.)
"That was a fast 18 seconds."
"My throat hurts."
Jami: "That's because you're a drug addict."
"Laura, I will chop one toe off of three of each of your feet. You may choose which ones."
(looking at some disks) Us: "Swamp gas?"
Aaron: "It's a learning game."
Us: "What is it?"
Aaron: "Um, little aliens come and you have to name state capitals."
"I'm in a cartoon, and you two have headaches and are in a cartoon."
"I can't be held accountable for the actions of my eyebrows."
Stacy:
(after the invasion of Rome, OH) "I always need a cigarette after a good sacking." "My rat is cute!" Molly: "God hates me." "Don't take that sled down the driveway. Take one of the plastic ones, and it will work." (July '04)
"I was drunk, and I was doodling on a napkin, and somebody found it and turned it into Cleveland."
"We're on a Mobius Strip! The Mobius Strip of Lodi."
Me: "Where's the way out?" "There's a dog! I think it's going to pee on that person's tent. It did! It peed on that person's tent!"
"Oh, their delicious tusks..."
"...in Florida, where all I ate was things that ended in 'itos.'"
"At least when you're dying of some horrible disease, it doesn't wake you up at 3am because it's thirsty."
"God doesn't hate you, God hates me. He just takes it out on you because I am so well-protected by my Dark Master."
"Right in front of the singing hippies."
Basil:
"I want a sponge made of clouds." "I understand. There is a wall in Massachusetts that I have long been fond of."
(on his dinner) "It doesn't have the deep throbbing nature of this beef."
"The rest of the world are peasants! We hate them!"
"If you want, we can stop playing the evil-bitch game and play one of your other favorite games." (Dykes for Christ) (on playing the gender card in a debate over whether he speaks Klingon) (looking at a leaf) "Hello, Nature. We meet again, my old enemy."
Molly: "What are my other favorite games?"
Basil: "Bitch-opoly and truth-or-bitch."
Basil: "Allow Christ into your heart. And a woman into your bed."
Molly: "Jesus is the only man you need in your life."
Anne: "That's something only Klingons would do."
Basil: "I'm an oppressed minority!"
Molly: "Yeah, you're a Klingon."
Gerard:
"Gender is a sex toy. Shove it up your ass."
"...And then I realized: chocolate milk, booze, same thing."
"Stick out your tongue, you dumb fuck!"
"To get punched in the face by tobacco is not as fun. It's like death."
Gerard's friend: "My entire nose--no, arm..."
Uncle Bill:
[responding to the question, "What makes it French chocolate?"]
"It has little bits of tongue in it."
Clayton:
"People that keep slaves probably don't have good health care."
Dylan:
"Clayton, why is there a clown foot under the table?"
Clayton: "Oh, I got that at a bar mitzvah."
Carl:
"As long as you don't drool on him, it'll be fine. Only I can drool on my penguin."
Emmy:
(looking for the Mississippi, in the French Quarter) "Is this Ghetto-river?"
Ashley Eden:
"It's nice to have somebody stalking you. You know someone cares."
"A healthy obsession is a good thing."
Joe:
"Does my moaning disturb you?"
Joe to Alexis: "And what do the existential voices in your head
say?" [On having an army of expendable humans] "It's kinda like getting a new OS, only better."
(after being tediously and melodramatically questioned regarding the
'happy part' of a funeral) [on ways to sound profound] "Like saying 'Hamlet, Act 4, Scene 3' at the end of everything. 'I feel sleepy.' --Hamlet, Act 4 Scene 3."
"The Third Reich really knew how to throw a party."
"We have to get Laura out of the trunk."
"I've finally figured out a way to get Laura to visit me! Doublecross her."
Kate: "She doesn't hear them because they don't think she can."
"There *is* no happy part. It's a *funeral*. They're rather morbid affairs."
[In an IM, trying to write No-Doz with a straight line over the second 'o':] "Now look here! My argument against you has nothing to do with either reality or fact!"
(Sipping a Feve mocha) "The taste of bygone days."
"Oberlin is like labor. It's long and you want drugs." "I wish I'd been raised Jewish. It'd be easier to do magic."
(shocked) "You don't have enough piggies!" [Playing "this little piggy" with Phoenix the ferret.]
"I'm a nice person and my life is futile."
[Upon killing an ant] "I have nothing against you, Mr. Ant, I just have something against your entire race." (pause) "I feel like Hitler."
"I could get used to depravity."
[To Greg M.] "As your friend, I'm trying to get you some."
"Either she will use you in her evil Jyhad against the Antediluvians, or she won't." "Rebecca might have to use the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the .22."
"Jesus crashed my web browser!"
"Bad Java! No cookie!"
(on Laura's gloves) "They're fingerful!"
"I'm quite ready to quit my smoking habit. But don't tell my habit that. It gets quite angry.
i don't like it when my habit is angry."
"And I'm sorry I missed your phone call; I was dead."
Joe: "Dőz."
Me: "That appears to be a strange spanish thing."
Joe: "It is. Dave was a strange spanish thing. I dub the little ~ thingie over letters 'dave.' "
Molly: "Tell Joe Oberlin's not like labor. Labor ends."
[Joe to Greg M., on the uselessness of considering whether Greg's friend is a vampire.]
Kate:
"I xeroxed everything I need from science."
Staab:
"It was a sudden finger."
Alexis:
"I'm one of those people who doesn't care whether the glass is half full or half empty; I just figure there's always another bottle around somewhere."
"I wasn't being nunnishly necrophiliac, I was just interested."
Alexis to Joe: "Are you pupating?" "Red is insidious."
[On Obies' tolerance to Drama] "Bah. I laugh at general unease, and spit upon piddling acts of confusion! I have seen complexities that mere outside drama cannot fathom."
"It is definitely a case of accidental penis."
"I'm having a weird life."
"If I were Hitler and you were Eva Braun, it'd be a whole lot different, but we're not."
(To me) "You're look awfully sunny. Is everything all right?...You just looked really happy, and I was wondering if you were okay."
"McNab left Scotland because he was grumpy."
"Ex-*cuse* me, I'm having *fla*-vor issues!"
"I use words!"
"I can visualize sound."
"The real world is weird. I think I'll give it up for Lent."
(to me) "You are very Tao. Without Pooh."
(on an exam) "I did some serious creative chemistry in a few places. Magically appearing hydrogens spontaneously generated by sheer need and such."
"I'll enjoy going to Scotland, where they're not British."
"Sometimes you just need evaporated milk."
(on homosexuality)"I have great faith that God doesn't give a rat's ass."
Me: "Not in my bed he's not."
Seb:
"Sleep, it recharges your body at only a fraction of the cost of drugs."
Someone to Seb:
"It must be cool to be Asian, ya know, be known for cool stuff."
Seb: "Yeah, I'm proud to be Asian."
Other person:
"Ya know, you guys can fly around and do kung fu and stuff."
Seb: "I was thinking of other things..."
Greg Lyon:
[On the Nag Hammadi's Gospel of John]
"It's kind of one big Gnostic orgasm."
[On ketchup] "Sometimes I can get it to perform esoteric feats of magic."
"When I think of wholesome fun, I think of Mike Peters."
"We're sitting at the table of human suffering."
[On American culture as experienced through candy-bar ads. "Break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat bar" vs. "One for me: none for you.")] (excitedly) "I bought acid from a drug dealer!" (faded) "But it turned out to be just little pieces of paper."
"My wardrobe seems to be at a sort of tumultuous crossroads."
"I think we've moved past the selfishness/non-selfishness dichotomy to a pure state of irony, in which no actual values are possessed by anyone."
Greg M:
"If you took Ireland and squeezed it as hard as you could, you'd get Guinness."
Ada:
"Estonians are just weird, you can ignore them."
Indiana Ben:
"Whilst in San Francisco, I bought every gay thing possible...except a gay juicer."
Perky Jill:
"Oh my god, if we all connected hands and did the wave we'd be sexual fluidity personified!"
"Wacky Mennonite Anna, she came to visit me--she's wacky--she carries hangers around everywhere! She's soooooo wacky!"
"I don't hear voices, but there *is* an ongoing cocktail party in my head."
Sally McGuire:
(On being an Irish alcoholic.)
"You call it genetic predisposition; I call it hereditary ingenuity."
Lev:
"Oooh, I *am* seductively blurry!"
"I used to have this giant bottle of heterosexuality."
"I'm a fluffly cloud."
"I'm not goth, I'm just...noir."
"Remember! Don't get sad about being single, get bitter and angry that no one is worthy of you."
"Damn. Leda broke. Again. That's the problem of a statue of a swan raping a woman, the positioning is awkward, and it breaks easier."
"I have Broadway Bipolar Disorder: I bounce back and forth between Les Mis and Cabaret."
[On some of the X-Men] "They joined Captain Britain and his girlfriend Megan."
(to his thumb) "Normalize." (pause) "Hello rice nipple."
"We have all of Joe's powers, without the marijuana."
Me: "Is that bad?" "And then there's this weird place near DC where you're, like, Amish."
"I'm not 12, but I'm 21 and dyslexic."
"I'm like a flounder." "This is a weird piece." (Probably Lev, anyway. Re: Joe) "He's going Jewish. But staying Pagan. The Christian part is going Jewish."
"Laura's a lesbian now. Everything's better."
"I like the idea of people being very depressed."
(Looking at an edited photo) "It's a doggie!" "Hahaha, I drive kittens to suicide!"
Lev: "He has a boyfriend."
Me: "Oh yeah, I keep forgetting."
Lev: "That's funny, so does he."
Aaron: "In that you're strange?"
Aaron: "You're a weird piece."
"Why, thank you."
Aaron: "No, it's me."
Cort:
"You want to talk about sex, we can talk about sex. You want to talk about...sex, we can talk about sex."
"It's 3:15am, and you're having a standoff on my couch."
"I have no control over my eyebrows."
"Don't make me make you into a little Jedi spaceship."
(on the phone) "All I heard was 'miniature pony.' What the fuck?"
Anne:
"These could be some highly volatile old ladies."
"It could be a fairly elaborate party in my cloak."
"You know what rum is, love? It's freedom."
"Opulently-frosted decadence is really ideal."
(to Basil) "You're not stupid, you're unrestrained."
(on her dinner) "These shrimp are getting way too friendly."
Sophia:
"You can't spell 'PANTS' without PAN!"
Katie:
"When I say 'dyke bar,' I mean it in the most profound, perfect sense of the word."
Liam O'Rourke:
"We're all virtual adepts. We are the puppet masters, and all the world dances to our spooky strings. I want them to line dance."
"There's blood all *over* me! I wouldn't mind so much if it belonged to somebody *else*, but *this* is just *weird*!"
"Begone, traitorous bagel! Benedict Arnold of Jewish baked goods!"
Richard Rath "I had a biology teacher who died twice. No one was really sure if he came back the second time, but he kept on teaching."
Al Porterfield (Psych Prof.):
"100% of everybody dies."
[on phobias] "Well, Sarah said, 'but snakes and spiders move.' I think that's a real issue here; I mean, you don't usually worry about a tree sort of sneaking up on you, or popping out of a drawer when you open it."
"Going out in the cold inadequately dressed does not cause illness. There is no evidence. I don't care what your parents said."
"You're never more relaxed than when you're dead."
"I want you to think like a Freudian for a second. And only for a second, and then I want you to stop doing that. It's not good for you."
"Bob was a friend of mine in high school, in the Pleistocene Era."
"If you want to be bummed out, that's okay. You can be a philosopher and the whole bit."
"This is not something that's performed on the general population. It's not like we recruit Psych 100 students and say, 'come on up here for an angiography.' We've tried, and they don't show."
Jenny Lynn (Latin Prof.):
[asking the class] "What's a paramilitary group?"
[glances around] "Who's a girl scout?"
Oliver (Calc Prof.):
"The ant, being somewhat limited in his ambulatory imagination, decides simply to walk in a circle around his ant-hole."
"There's this feeling that you need something really big to counteract the nihilistic effect of zero, and the only thing that could possibly do the job is infinity."
"So the derivation of tanX is sec2X."
Anon.: "My god!"
"Now...I think...we're ready for the Chain Rule."
Anon.: "Is this really the most powerful of all rules? I mean, this is such a red-letter day for all of us!"
"Up until now, I suspect that trigonometric functions have...not been a great source of joy for you. Well, sometimes they're kinda nice, I mean, they're curved... But you see, trigonometric functions really are at home in calculus. This is where they dwell peacefully, and have nice...ah..."
Anon.: "Soirees."
"Yeah, you've got to remember that cosine and sine never hang out without a variable of some sort."
Anon.: "They go to soirees."
Judi Miller (Stats Prof.):
[On measurement error.] "It's bad. Bad. Very bad!"
DJ [Daphne John] (Soc. Prof):
"Sometimes I wake up in the morning, or I'm driving along, and I think, 'Oh, my god, I live in *Ohio*!"
[We're looking at an online search page] "It's just magic, the way you can search for things now. So much different than when I was in school. You know, before we had shoes."
Mudd person: "How many miles did you have to walk to school every day?"
DJ: "A hundred."
Marissa:
"AAAaaaah! It's the fourth dimension! No, wait, it's velcro."
Luke:
(to parents) "If you ever insult my friend again, I'll engage in a decadent deviant homosexual lifestyle."
"Writing is the extension of talking too much."
Prof. Hedrick(Classics Prof.):
Prof. Tanaka (Cog. Psych. Prof.):
[On programmed simulation of mental processes] "You people are not, you know, formless color blobs. You're real people!"
"Another thing I do for last-minute, eleventh-hour questions is to setup a Cognitive Hotline...sympathetic operators are standing by."
"You can never do psychology experiments at Oberlin. You people are just not normal."
"There are many levels on which you can do 'Where's Waldo?'"
"It's important to come up with a catchy name for your model."
[on an experiment concerning identification of previously-displayed vague shapes]
Tanaka:
"[...assuming that we do not have] some intrinsic notion of an attractive blob. Although..." (trails off, gazing at the blobs for a while)
Anon. 1: "17's like a little elf!"
Anon. 2: "19 looks like Australia."
Tanaka: "Is there an *ugly* blob?"
Students: "7!" "Yeah!" (indignantly) "7's a t-shirt! I *like* 7."
Brian Barrett:
[In-class calculus exercise. On board: "#5: Comment on #4."] Paul Curry: (over Fluxx, a card game) "Give me death; you can have my cookies."
"Number four is a problem which has plagued mankind since the dawn of his existence. What *is* integral from 0 to 2pi of sinx dx? Well, I stand/sit before you and tell you it is 0. Nothing. That is right, I said '0'. From something, we gained nothing.
It is the metaphor for mankind, born from nothing and growing to nothing. Death is inescapable, even by the function integral from 0 to 2pi of sinx dx. Life, as well as math, is such an ephemeral thing, passing us by in one brief moment."
Ms. Goldman (Bio. Prof.):
"Okay, now I'm going to do something that might be alittle scary to you all, I'm going to walk you through some graphs."
"Well, it's not really an insignificant fraction, but it's small and I don't really care about it today."
"I don't care if you know what GABA stands for. I'm not even going to tell you."
Pete Gathje (guest Religion lecturer):
"[Maurin] ended up where everybody eventually ends up: New York."
"I live in the South now, so I've got to be able to quote the Bible."
[re: Matthew ch. 25] "Sheep are the ones to go to heaven, and goats go to hell. Not very fair to goats, but that's how the story goes." "In the South, of course, everyone goes to church. It's like the most churched place in the country, though you'd never know it by what goes on there."
Grover Zinn (Religion Prof.):
"They fell into this wonderful shiny world of ours; sometimes it rains, which makes it worse." "Relics are only useful if they're labeled; there are multiple heads of John the Baptist."
"If we have some people who are able to drive those vans, or are willing to get certified, we can go for a lot less--lots, L-O-T-S, in all capital letters, in a nice Gothic font."
Prof. Dobbins:
(Paraphrasing Confucious) "Why will no one treat me as a luscious Zuchinni?"
Prof. Koch:
"They look like little coconuts but they're actually I guess connection devices."
"Sometimes there's no house."
"Oberlin is part of the world."
"It's now in Oberlin-dot-website."
"This is the property menu. It's your big friend."
"This is probably the flashiest...it uses Flash."
"It doesn't have an underline, or it doesn't have a poker that says 'click here'..."
"The bullet...zoop! zoop!"
Student: "You spelled 'Oberlin' wrong."
"The book oppresses because it demands you read the second sentence after you read the first sentence,
and I'll be damned if I'm going to do that."
"[About thirty-five percent] got B's, a lesser number got C's, and a smattering of...strange other grades."
(hearing a Windows startup noise) "Oh, that's such a great sound." (the computer seems to freeze) "That's not so great."
"My son said I speak in context-free sentences."
(deeply confused about the location of some icons) "I was carrying the laptop in the hall...maybe they fell off."
"It actually worked."
Koch: "www.oberlin.edu..."
Student (in a killing voice): "You forgot the twiddle."
Joe: "Like G's! ...I got an N."